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This was how my personal statement started. Like many East Asian children, I grew up in the shadow of expectations. But unlike most, mine were crafted not by others, but by myself. I learned to trade opening my mouth for that fish I hated for her smile. And as high school began, I unconsciously tried to earn my parents’ attention and love by shining wherever I could.

这是我文书的开头，像许多东亚小孩一样，我们都活在期望中，但不一样的是，我活在自己创造的期望里，因为我学会了用吃我讨厌的鱼来换微笑，我在高中初期也开始无意识的想用在各种领域的发光换来父母的关注和爱。

This is not a story written to wallow in self-pity. It is a tribute of remembrance and gratitude, for every person and experience that has walked me to today. I believe I am lucky. Not because the journey has been smooth, but because who I am now was forged through constant refinement, reflection, and resistance.

这篇文章不为了自怜自艾，是为了纪念和感恩陪伴我走到今天的一切人与经历，我坚信我是幸运的，幸运在成为今天的我并非顺风顺水，而是我不断打磨，自省，不妥协出来的我。

If I were to trace my growth these years, I would divide it into three chapters:

我想如果要总结我这几年的成长，我会把它分为三个章节：

Requesting time off school has always been simple for me because I send and reply to the "parent emails" myself, my parents barely text me to come home when I go out until midnight, and I’ve stopped asking if my parents can make it to parent-teacher conferences. But because of this, I’ve had a certain freedom. They’ve never pressured me about my grades. As long as I asked—whether to take a course, play volleyball, learn the guzheng, join a tutoring class, or take gym lessons—they always supported me financially.

学校请假对我来说很简单，因为“家长邮箱”是我自己发出和回复，出门到深夜很少会有人催我回家，家长会我也开始不再问他们有没有时间。但也正是因为如此，我一定程度上很自由，他们也不给我任何学习的压力，只要我开口问说想报课打球，学古筝，上补习班，健身，他们都会给予经济上的支持。

Two years ago, I couldn’t have completed the second half of the previous paragraph. I was full of dissatisfaction toward my family, myself, and society. In 2023, I was diagnosed with depression, and a year before seeking help, I experienced insomnia, early waking, loss of appetite, and poor digestion. When the symptoms returned in 2023, I finally spoke up.

两年前的我还没能完成上一段的后半段话，我对家庭，自己，和这个社会抱着很多不满，想了很多事都憋在心里。我在23年的时候确诊了抑郁，在决定去看医生之前的一年前我失眠，半夜醒，食欲下降，消化不好，终于在23年同样的症状复发我才终于决定开口。

I’m grateful for the guidance of my therapists. But therapy only works on people who are willing to be helped, so in the end, the only one who can truly heal oneself is the client themselves.

谢谢我的心理师们给予我的引导，但心理治疗的基本条件是治疗愿意被治疗的人，所以唯一能真正治愈自己的人其实是来访者自己。

On my final visit, 

最后一次见到我的心理师时

I asked my therapist:

我问道：

I forget how he answered, I just remember I wasn’t satisfied, so I turned and walked out, choosing instead to embark on a journey of reconciliation—alone. 

我忘了他怎么回复的了，但我只记得答案没有令我很满意，于是我转身离开了房间，决定独自踏上自我和解的旅途。

I posted this afterward: 

在那之后我发了一段话：

I hope you can grieve to your heart's content, and then keep moving forward.

Days at the Morisaki Bookshop 

Satomi Ogasawara

This line is still pinned in my WeChat moments, because I want to use to remind myself: Allow emotions, allow imperfection, allow being messy.

这句话至今还置顶在我的朋友圈里，因为我想提醒自己要允许自己有情绪，允许自己不完美，乱糟糟的。

For a long time, I blamed my confusion and struggles on my parents’ hands-off parenting. A quiet resentment grew inside me— maybe if I’d been born into another family I can feel less lost?

在这期间我一直把我一路上的困难和迷茫归类于我父母对我的放养式教育，我内心责怪他们，我会想，也许如果我生在另一个家庭中，我内心会不会不那么挣扎。

That’s why I dislike “what ifs”, I’d rather choose, instead, to forgive and be grateful— I don’t hold a grudge on their busyness and absence, and is grateful for the life my parents provided me with. Because deep down, I know they love me, it’s just that, in our culture, no one taught us how to love.

所以我很讨厌“如果怎样怎样”的假设，我更愿意选择原谅和感恩，不再抱怨我父母的忙碌和缺席，感恩他们所给我提供的生活，因为我深知他们是爱我的，只是因为在我们的文化中，没人教我们怎么去爱。

After reconciling with the past, I began to reexamine and redefine everything about myself.

在与过去和解后，我开始重新审视和定义自己的一切。

There was a period when academics so tightly winded me that showering became my only break. One night, as warm water poured over me, I asked myself—what’s all this effort for……

有段时间我自己学习得很紧张，紧张到洗澡成为了我唯一的休息时间。有天晚上洗澡时我开始反思这么努力到底为了什么……

For the glory of the podium?

是站在领奖台上的荣誉感？

For my parents’ sticker responses 

when I send them my grades?

发成绩给父母时回的几个表情包？

For an offer from a college I love?

收到喜欢的大学offer？

Money?

钱？

They brought joy — but fleeting.

有快乐，但这些都很短暂。

The truth is, I was in surprise when I was reading these words and receiving it, because I’ve always found it hard to affirm myself. But slowly, bit by bit, these moments of warmth and impact allowed me to see the good in me, and gradually, my own identity became clearer.

其实在阅读这些文字和在收到的那一刻我都很惊讶，因为我是一个很难肯定自己的人。但是每次这一点点温暖的累积，看到自己能够给他人带来正面的影响，它开始让我看到自己的好，也逐渐对自我的定义更加清晰。

I guess this is why I want to study psychology, especially social psychology. I’ve long wrestled with society itself: my sorrow stems from how society defines success, yet my joy comes from the validation society gives. I’ve always wondered: How can we balance societal survival and selfhood? What kind of bond should exist between humans and society?

我想这是为什么我想学习心理学，且是社会方面的，因为我一直挣扎于与社会的关系：我的悲源于社会对成功的定义，但我的喜也来自于社会所给予我的肯定。我想，我们人如何能平衡生存和自我，我想，人类与社会该存在怎么样的羁绊。

My favorite psychologist is Adler. He said: 

我最喜欢的心理学家是阿德勒，他说：

The only way to eliminate suffering is to live alone in the universe.

要想消除烦恼，只有一个人在宇宙中生存。

So I don’t want to offer some utopian “healing quote,” maybe we just have to admit that we do need societal connection, we will be shaped by society, and the troubles that this brings are proof of our humanity. Maybe true reconciliation with society is accepting that humans can’t live in a vacuum.

所以我不想说过于理想化的鸡汤，也许我们得承认我们需要社会关系，我们一定程度上需要被社会左右，因为它造就了我们作为人的意义，且为此感到的烦恼是我们作为人的证据。也许接纳人无法真空生活才是真正与社会的和解。

Till now, I’ve stopped seeing my experiences through a deterministic lens, I no longer believe that any experience will define my future, because what truly matters is the meaning I give to it, and the me right now.

到了这里，我开始学会不用决定论看待自己的经历，我不再相信有什么经历可以决定我的未来，因为真正影响的是我们所赋予它的含义，以及此时此刻的我。

During that time, I also wrote what remains my favorite prose to this day:

这段期间我也写下了我至今最喜欢的一篇散文：

 Morning Glory 

A flower that grows in adversity

having felt the gentle glow of spring

and the piercing pain of winter

she is an enriching beauty of its own

shaped by every season of life

"What’s so special about morning glories?" my mother once asked."They grow anywhere."

As a child, I thought— isn’t that a good thing?

Dear mom, I am not the rose you adore.

Perhaps I am more like a morning glory.

I do not bloom in flawless perfection,

but I bloom freely,

greedy to embrace all that this world has to offer.

I began to redefine myself. Perhaps, instead of striving to become a rose in others’ eyes, I’d rather be a morning glory.

我开始重新定义自我。也许比起使劲的成为别人眼中的玫瑰，我更愿意当牵牛花。

A friend once asked me:

朋友有次问我说：

Right, this reminded me, optimism and pessimism aren’t opposites, maybe sometimes we need our pessimism to reflect honestly on society and the world. Like the journal entry I wrote one night sitting under the moon on the school field:

对哦，提醒了我，悲观和乐观并非正反关系，也许我们总会需要悲观的一面去反省这个社会和世界，像有天我晚上坐在学校的操场上看月亮时的写的随笔：

 Tininess 

Beneath the boundless sky

I watch the moon—

swallowed by clouds,

then glowing once more.

For its light on me,

and for my gaze upon it,

I feel again

for it and for myself

the weight of tininess I had long forgotten.

Humans are creatures that needs constant reflection

to reflect on our inherent ignorance

on the prejudices upon the world,

on the narrow lens of subjectivity,

on our fixation with the mundane,

on the limits we draw within.

That is why we need the weight of tininess.

We need to feel insignificant.

To be submerged—

and yet still strive to shine.

Only then can we perceive

the world around us with generosity.

Humankind,

a fragile yet unyielding vitality.

We need the pessimistic side to keep us humble, because it revises a deeper, more grounded optimism. Just like joy and pain, it is because of pain that joy is so precious.

我们需要悲观的那面来保持谦虚，因为这样重新修订的乐观是一个更透彻的乐观。像幸福和痛苦一样，是因为有痛苦才让幸福如此的珍贵。

I used to feel anxious about relaxing, but during this final exam season, I wasn’t as stressed as I expected, but I still got a little anxious about not being anxious.

从前的我会对放松感到焦虑，但其实大考这段期间我并没有想象中那么紧张，但我也因自己不焦虑而小焦虑了一下。

I asked my mentors:

我问了身边的长者说：

The two types of answers 

I got included:

我得到的两种答案包括：

And

和

This time, I didn’t take either side, I wasn’t overly tense, but I didn’t slack off, either. My calendar was full of study sessions— yet I was able to go get extensions in the middle of revision week (The old me would’ve waited until after exams).

这次的我没有听从任何一方，没有很焦虑也没有松懈，日历上满满的课程和复习安排，但在复习期间中途还能去接个头发（要换做之前的我会延迟到考试后）。

Maybe, this is growth, I think I’m starting to have the courage to be happy, to live life as dots, to live the now—well.

我想，也许这是一种成长，我想我开始有了幸福的勇气，我想，我开始在学习如何把人生过成一个个点，过好此时此刻。

This is not my ending; this is the new beginning of everything. I’ll still be messy and conflicted, and I'm still learning to deal with my life assignments. But I believe life is made of countless deconstructions and reformations, I believe that life is a cycle of hope blooming after despair, and I also believe, in every version of me.

这里并不是我的结局，而是一切的新开头。我依旧会混乱和矛盾，并且还在学习如何处理自己的人生课题。但我相信人生就是无数次撕裂和重塑，我相信人生柳暗花明，也相信每个版本的我。

Besides my parents, I’ve been lucky to meet many mentors who shaped me. Whether our interactions will be frequent or brief, the conversations with you and your teachings have become part of me and reside within. Thank you.

除了我爸爸妈妈，我这一路上有幸的结交了许多对我有很大影响的长者。不管往后交集频繁与否，与你们的交谈和你们对我的教导已经成为我的一部份，一直伴随着我，谢谢你们。

Thank you to those who love me. It is through being loved that I learned how to love, so thank you for teaching me what love is: love is being remembered, is multifaceted, is laying down your burdens, and that love, can be simple.

感谢爱我的人。被爱才能学会如何爱，所以谢谢你们教会我爱，教会我爱是被惦记，是多样的，是放下包袱，以及爱，可以很简单。

To be continued…

未完待续…